Now, what about all those assets we've created from all that cash?

Building an estate means several things:

• safeguarding your assets while you're alive,
• minimizing the amount you hand over to the taxman, and
• ensuring your wishes are respected after you pass away.

One of the real lessons of HIV is the lesson of competency. Remember, we all die, usually of a disease - and today's diseases attack our competency.

Our first duty is to make sure things go smoothly while we're alive, even if we're unconscious or unable to make decisions well. If you don't want to die silently in a rage, your first action should be to arrange all kinds of powers of attorney:

• springing powers of attorney that spring into action if something happens,
• durable powers of attorney,
• health proxies and/or living wills.

The bottom line is after painstakingly building a family of choice, do you want your biological family to take over when money seems near? AIDS has taught us we are unprotected legally for hospital visits, survivorship rights in apartments, access to safe deposit boxes, our personal property, etc. Yet the measures to ensure these powers and this security usually employ standard forms and cost little. There is much good self-help material available; try NOLO Press (1-800-992-NOLO).

Then comes the taxman. If you don't intend to amass more than $600,000, forget estate taxes. But make sure you count everything as he is certain to do.

If you have more than that, remember that the tax rate starts at 50% once you pass $600,000, and the estate tax code was written by the Reagans in 1982 to suit their own heterosexual retirement plan - not yours. Unless you like subsidizing the government, now's the time to start thinking. Because this is where we do get hurt, with no marital exclusions. This means extra work has to be done to protect what you've worked for.

At this point you might expect me to ask if you have a will. Surprise - I don't have to, for you do have a will: one written for straight people. It will give all to your genetic family, not your family of choice. As gays & lesbians we have this incredible ability to make virtue out of necessity and choose our families - yet many of us allow the State to make our last, most important decisions.

Even if you set up a will, you're still open to will contest. One way we've learned to fend this off is simply to keep writing wills, making small changes in each one. The Evil Family then has to fight each will. But wills sometimes seem to function like a lightning rods - drawing out homophobia that wasn't expressed during the person's lifetime.

Some of your may think it smart to use formula software and forms. It isn't. Much as I wish to optimize the use of legal advice, formula advice is treacherous for gays & lesbians. Remember: they're devised with straight families in mind. The cost of individualized legal advice is minimal compared to the inadvertent mistakes in writing wills. Do it right the first time.

One way around all this is a simple tool called the living trust. As you might have guessed, this too is part of the legacy of AIDS tools. Finally we have a legal tool which suits many of our special needs.

Its small cost pales in comparison to what probate lawyers charge. If you have a simple quarter of a million dollar estate, do you want to spend at least $10,000 of that on a probate lawyer? Do you want to make those you love suffer the average 14 month delay? One reason cheap wills abound is they're but the tip of the probate iceberg; they're a loss leader.

A living trust is incredibly flexible. It passes assets on quietly. It can be set up, without assets, to be triggered by an event. You can be in charge of it as long as you wish or are able; then it will automatically carry out your wishes. Properly set up, it won't require any extra tax returns. It is much better than a power of attorney because total control of all assets is under the trustee. It assures confidentiality and keeps transfers out of the public record. And it bypasses probate.

Now where is this all largesse going to go? In my vision of a well planned financial life there came a time to commemorate and endow those things we have come to value in our lives. We're talking here about establishing a true legacy rather than simply passing whatever we have on to the children to do with as they wish. We gays & lesbians have a chance to be more than ripples in the pond, to go on continuing to make a difference even after we pass from the scene. If you believe your life has a point to it, some meaning, some value, express that in these instruments of control & conveyance. Respect yourself and what you're creating in this laboratory called your life so that some part of it lives on. That's called contribution. That's called building community. That's what I call the ultimate self-respect, taking yourself seriously.

What is wealth? The straight version is money you can enjoy after you're worn out; our version can be skills and a lifestyle we practice to perfection. The straight version is money; ours can be freedom & time. The straight version is biologic progeny; we can spawn creations in a much wider sense of the word. The straight version is family; ours is friends and a family of choice. Focus on having something to pass on, some final estate-ment. Focusing on what you'll want then will help you know what to do now.