In America much of the answer to this question depends on money. Let's look at the unique ways we spend our money as lesbians & gays. And how we can provide for our special needs.

High on our list should be long-term security. Look at the recent triumphs of the right, the ever present realities of discrimination, the fluidity of our relationships and the holey-ness of society's safety net.

Equally high should be self-expression. We have the means to do it. Most of us do not invest in children costing six-figures each nor do we embrace non-working spouses. No matter what the controversy about how much we earn, we have high levels of discretionary income.

BUT if we haven't come out and are trying to hide in a straight world, we can fall into some peculiarly costly traps.

• Assimilationists may try to buy acceptance by buying into consumer society. But acceptance is never certain - and we can end up consuming both who we are and what we earn on a straight-acting spending treadmill.
  
• Isolationists may seek security in things, furnishing homes as fortresses. But castles and adult toys never resolve our fears and we can end up serving them instead.
  
• Ghettoists may join special interest groups, taking comfort in the strong identity they give. But the price of membership can be quite high for entertaining, opera, gyms, clothes, clubs, cosmetic surgery, philanthropy, activism, paraphernalia, phone sex, drugs, alcohol, cruises, country houses, or gay travel.
  
• -A-gays may invest in fantasy lifestyles decorated with symbols of superiority. But because symbols really don't protect, the price of success is never paid in full.

Our closets, fortresses, ghettos and fantasies of either superiority or acceptance are just plain expensive - and cost us our identity as well.

What can happen economically if we come out personally? It's summed up in one word: freedom. Freedom to be ourselves, do what we want and have what we choose.

First it means getting off the spending treadmill and seeing through America's obsession with not only being the same by having the same things. It means facing up to our fears and seeking protections more substantial than furniture wedged up against the door: legal measures, corporate policies. It means questioning compulsive single interests and blossoming into multiple interests - many without price tags and membership fees. It means keeping our fantasies in the bedroom and seeing the world clearly.

Being gay can mean having more choices because we can place ourselves outside of society's constraints, because we can have more freedom of choice in our work, because we can define our own relationships, and because we can have more discretion in how to spend our money in a lifestyle of our own making.

How can we translate this new vision into a practical spending plan and spending habits that will support a life of choice? Try these easy steps:

Categorize. Start by choosing categories that reflect you. Use concrete, real, everyday words that express your values. "Visa" is not a category. But include taxes since that's not only real but something you can act on.

Rank. List your expenses listing by degree of necessity. The difference between your "musts" and gross income measures how much financial freedom you have - your discretionary income.

Annualize. Estimate how much you spend on each per year. This ensures that once-a-year items get on the list, that seasonal fluctuations get taken into account.

Verify. Use your receipts, check register, credit card bills to jog your memory & check your estimates. If there's a big gap, try recording or getting receipts for all your cash expenditures for a few days to a few weeks.

Rethink. Re-evaluate, question, weigh, critique, trade off, assess, ask "what if...?, "what am I getting for my money?" Get a friend or two to be your sounding board for decisions on how to change things if you can be utterly frank and selfish in front of them.

Imagine. This is your wishlist, what your life's all about - now. Is buying future security with tax-free dollars through savings & investment on the list? What else isn't on the list? Set up your new year NOW; visualize the future you want to buy.

Change. You may have to earn or spend differently. Take into account your stage in life, your relationships. You may need to reinvent what sex, love, relationship - and spending - are all about. Where we spend is where we put our economic power. It reveals what we value - and what we think being gay or lesbian is all about.