It's natural to nest but as long as marriage mergers aren't available our relationships remain contractual. Besides domestic partnership, which may not be available, one keystone ritual to add to your union ceremony is that of the relationship contract. However you relate to each other, protect it in writing. Otherwise the law may treat you as strangers.

In one sense, lesbians & gays are lucky. We can use our first years to experiment & get to know each other's style with no prenup awkwardness. But one foundation ritual to add to our union ceremonies is that of the relationship contract.

Happily we've good guidance in this area. NOLO Press ("law for all") has long recognized the validity of our concerns. Its guides, A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples (8th edition) and The Living Together Kit (7th edition) have stood the test of time. To order, call 800/955-4775. But when you reach the limits of self-help, consult an attorney experienced in your problem area.

Then look where you invest your emotional energy. Ironically, if you have pets, start there. According to community attorneys, this is the one area where tens of thousands are spent in litigation. Endless anguish can be avoided by an agreement written when both parties were loving - and sane. In one breakup an attorney had to abruptly terminate a meeting because the client was airing plans for a hit man to recoup the pooch.

Take the same precautions for pet objects. Save receipts for jewelry, furnishings, appliances, electronics, renovations. Agree on a depreciation or appreciation schedule in your buyout agreement. Or adopt a fair-rules auction technique for divvying up the goods you split. Keep two copies of everything, but not in the same place, in case of fire - or in case the fire goes out. This is what safety deposit boxes are for.

Another danger is death. Accidental and violent death lurk under 40. Twice as many living benefits are paid out before death for cancer (not AIDS) making life insurance now a sensible option for both lesbians and gays.

Beware the sudden change that seems to come over biological families even when a black sheep one dies. If you're not ready for a durable power of attorney, go for a springing power of attorney that only springs into action if certain circumstances happen - like unconsciousness after a car accident.

Complement your celebration of union with a security checkup. Look at the risks specific to your economic family. Disability is one concern that's consistently exiled to DeNial. Yet many of us spend months, even years, recovering from today's increasingly chronic and complex maladies - adding financial loss to medical woes.

If you have unequal resources or income flows, compensate for this with agreements that equalize these disparities gradually over time. One may have a right to a condo conversion, the other, excess funds; a sliding scale equity agreement lets both contribute to something neither could have alone.

With children you cannot afford to skip contracting what happens, when, or if. But remember that even with visitation agreements, in practice it is generally the biological, adoptive parent who has final say. Children are as expensive as houses. Be real about what could happen.

With houses and businesses, titling is everything - yet often is an afterthought. Consult tax & legal counsel to make sure transfers upon death don't increase taxes or probate fees unnecessarily. Create partnership agreements that foster genuine partnership.

With these concrete measures you can literally build a foundation for your relationship, with each specific action taken a testament to your love.